Trump

[Digby]

Trump will no doubt be delighted with the insightful work of Betsy de Vos as part of the panel on school shootings, as per the conclusion of the panel guns don't kill people, black kids do.

[morepork]

That spin on events by this administration is a truly repugnant effort. You haven't lived until you work somewhere in the field of education that has active shooter training as part of the syllabus, and to learn that the solution to the problem of risk to self is to attack affirmative action is a revelation. There is a special place in hell for these cunts.

[Digby]

It's genuinely weird, you can't parody their efforts on this

[Stones of granite]

[WaspInWales]

That is superb!

[Digby]

Putin with some big moves yesterday to order the US out of Syria and start lifting sanctions on some big Russian businesses, does he sense time is running out?

[morepork]

I'm not really down with the whole Russia and Iran bogeyman thing, but fuck me, could Trump play this any worse if he tried? What a complete cretin.

Nek minute in Canada, the US takes a big dump on a maple leaf after insisting they arrest a Chinese telecom exec, then dropping the ball like an English loose forward.

What a circus of cunts.

[Digby]

Many people tell me London's loose forwards are not English but New Zealand types, SAD

[morepork]

I said "English" you peenarse.

[WaspInWales]

More Trump 'fake news'. Says Mattis is retiring:


In reality, Mattis is quitting and has stated his reasons for doing so.

No doubt Trump will continue to attack the fake news media for the way it's getting reported.

[Digby]

Trump refusing to sign the continuing resolution will garner more coverage one feels

In some respects if he was trying to add the childishness of governance by continuing resolutions I'd have some sympathy, but having a hissy fit because Congresses will not pay for an absurd vanity project the only mandate you have for is Mexico will pay for it is when that means for instance denying federal funds to disaster recovery more than pathetic, it's quite frankly dangerous and for me shows him breaking the oath he took when being sworn in

[Mikey Brown]

There's some pretty incredible stuff in this thread.

[WaspInWales]

@ Gohmert's comments.

What a fucking idiot to try to compare DHS separation policy and Manafort's crimes.

[morepork]

A hotbed of affirmative action for privileged white people in the US government. Racism and bigotry really does attract a disproportionate number of thick cunts. The US has people that actually vote these idiots into power on a platform of utter, utter ignorance powered by conspiracy. Have a look world, you can never ever trust this country to contribute meaningful dialogue to anything while these people occupy positions of power. I am fucking embarrassed and angered by it.

[Digby]

Trump hands out a 115 mile long contract and we'd have to agree, that's a long contract

[Digby]

In fairness it was a presidential visit to overseas troops which is good, less brilliant is posting photos of troops whose identity would normally be protected, and just flat out weird is lying to the troops about previous and current adjustments to their salary levels

[Mikey Brown]

In fairness it was a presidential visit to overseas troops which is good, less brilliant is posting photos of troops whose identity would normally be protected, and just flat out weird is lying to the troops about previous and current adjustments to their salary levels

And he tweeted something potentially allowing people to work out their location or something?

[Digby]

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa- ... SKCN1OQ0VO

It's almost like in truth Trump doesn't give a shit about the military, although in truth the Dems are no better in this area

[morepork]

I have to say, the wank-fest over things military is quite nauseating, no matter what side of the aisle it comes from. People who have served in the military are held up as paragons of virtue and morality, while the ethics of specific conflicts at hand are glossed over. Not a fan. That being said, getting a photo op with a fat cunt in a tailored tent suit sporting the worlds most insincere smile and giving the thumbs up is a priceless token. On top of that you could get a pic with the dead-eyed escort accompanying the fat guy while she stood there in a vodka/ambien induced semi comma, dribbling at the mouth.

[WaspInWales]

I have to say, the wank-fest over things military is quite nauseating, no matter what side of the aisle it comes from. People who have served in the military are held up as paragons of virtue and morality, while the ethics of specific conflicts at hand are glossed over. Not a fan. That being said, getting a photo op with a fat cunt in a tailored tent suit sporting the worlds most insincere smile and giving the thumbs up is a priceless token. On top of that you could get a pic with the dead-eyed escort accompanying the fat guy while she stood there in a vodka/ambien induced semi comma, dribbling at the mouth.

Isn't it customary in the US to thank service members (both former and present) for their service?

[morepork]

Yeah, I 'spose, but it is cheesy Mccheeseworthy. People still remember Vietnam, Central America, and Iraq, so best not to shoot your load over someone just because they have been/are in the military. The whole fighting for our freedom thing is a bit of a crock of shyte, and most people are aware of that.

[WaspInWales]

The only reason I mentioned it was that I've seen it said in the build up to the election and mid-terms a number of times, and can recall an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm titled 'Thank you for your service' which revolved around Larry David not saying those words when introduced to a soldier back from Iraq or Afghanistan and it caused all manner of issues. I think there's also a US film with the same title.

AFAIK, it's not really a thing in the UK. We have rememberence day parades, Help for Heroes, Invictus Games etc. Former service men and women are generally well regarded, but I've never felt the need to say 'thank you' to someone I know who has served in the armed forces and it hasn't seemed to have upset anyone.

Be interesting to get Sandy's or Sarge's input on this though.

[morepork]

NZ and Straya get pretty hot under the color if you suggest ANZAC day is a little overkill in that department.

[zer0]

My perception is that, while your in the military, you're a paragon of star spangled, red-white-and-blue 'MURICAness. But once you're out, you're forgotten about for 364 days a year until Veterans Day rolls round when you're a hero again for a few hours.

Those stolen valour videos can be entertaining, though.

EDIT: The ANZAC stuff is indeed getting OTT.

[Mellsblue]

Stormy! Ivanka! Macron! Melania! Donald Trump on his really tremendous year
*According to Hugo Rifkind


January
It was a great month. The best month. Look back and all the photos show a very relaxed man. Not a pale, wild-haired maniac watching three televisions simultaneously in the West Wing all night, every night, in a stained bathrobe with a burger in each hand. No! I don’t know why you’d even say that. So unfair.

Anyway, I remember Ivanka coming to see me while I was with John F Kelly, my chief of staff. New dress. Mmmm. Tight. Her, not him.

“Hey, Dad,” she said, looking worried. “There’s a new book about us all. You have to read it.”

“Calamity!” I shouted. “This is the worst and most insurmountable crisis of my presidency!”

“Seriously?” said Kelly.

“I have to read a whole book?” I shrieked.

“Or I can just tell you what’s in it?” said Ivanka.

“Better,” I said, calming down immediately.

Anyway, it turned out Steve Bannon had told some guy that I was a lunatic and Ivanka was as dumb as a brick.

“And how can he say that?” she said, tearfully. “I built a fashion brand. And who ever built anything with a brick?”

“We have been treated very unfairly,” I said.

“He also says you agree with the last person you’ve spoken to,” said Ivanka.

“I suppose I do!” I said.

“Not in my experience,” said Kelly.

“You’re right!” I said. “It’s rubbish!”

Although we didn’t really have time to worry about any of that, because I was also fighting with Rocket Man Kim over who had the bigger nuclear button. With the answer, obviously, being me. I’m looking at it right now and next to my hand it looks enormous.

And I shouted about the Fake News MSM media a lot. And my personal physician said I might live until I was 200. Also, I tweeted that I was a “very stable genius”. Although I think everybody knew that already.

“Also,” said Ivanka, “if you ever do read this book, I totally didn’t say that thing about your hair.”

February
I’m human. I am. And I have dizzy spells sometimes. My doctor has no idea what causes them. Although they always happen when I leave the restroom and have a bit of toilet paper stuck to my foot and spend 19 or more minutes spinning around trying to get it, like a dog chasing its tail. Go figure.

“Is that what was going on,” asked my aide Kellyanne Conway, cautiously, “when you responded to this horrific school shooting in Florida by suggesting we arm teachers?”

“There was violence,” I told her, “on many sides, many sides.”

“No, there wasn’t,” said Kellyanne.

“But there should have been,” I said.

“I need a new job,” she said, for some reason.

“Hang on,” I said. “Did I forget to mention arming the kids, too?”

“Even in a shop,” she said. “Anything.”

Obviously, the reason why there was a horrifying school shooting in Florida was because the FBI “was spending too much time trying to prove Russian collusion with the Trump campaign”.

Literally, I tweeted that. Word for word. It’s not even an exaggeration for comic effect in a parody diary. It actually happened! Sad!

Also, my wife, Melinda, launched a campaign against cyberbullying.

“Husband,” she said. “Big, nasty bullies must stop tweeting nasty things on internet. It is so hurtful.”

“I’m treated very unfairly,” I said.

“This is not about you,” said Moana, “but about the children of the world.”

“Why? What did they say about me?”

March
So many successes. So many. For example, I sacked Rex Tillerson, my secretary of state. All the bad things that have happened were his fault. Including me appointing him, which I never could have done if he didn’t even exist. I’ve been let down very badly.

What I remember best, though, was Jared and Ivanka rushing into my room at Mar-a-Lago and telling me that she was going to be president for life.

“Great idea!” I said, closing my laptop really quickly. “Although she’ll have to wait until I’m dead!”

Ivanka and Jared looked at each other. Then Jared said I might have misunderstood, because they’re not actually talking about Ivanka but about the president of China.

“A chick has that job?” I said.

“She’s a man,” said Jared.

“Who?” I said.

“No, he was the last one,” said Jared.

“Some days,” I said, “I think you’re not even that clever. Despite being so rich.”

“Dad, listen,” said Ivanka. “It’s the precedent.”

“It?” I said, completely lost.

“These conversations?” said Jared. “They’re not how I thought politics would be.”

Then Ivanka explained that Xi Jinping, the president of China, had extended his term indefinitely, and they both thought I should start suggesting doing the same.

“Clever!” I said. “Then we can be a dynasty! Like the Clintons tried to do! You after me! Husband to wife!”

“But I’m not your wife,” said Ivanka.

“Or whatever,” I said, impatiently.

Then they left, and I went back to googling Stormy Daniels. Wish I remembered hitting that better. Hot!

April
This was a busy month. Like, the busiest. Some days, I wished there were two of me. Like, me and the guy in the mirror, each doing half the public appearances. Although he’s much fatter than me. Really let himself go. Sad!

Anyway, lots of really important things happened. The first two were that the FBI raided my lawyer’s office, and that Basher Asshat in Syria used comical weapons. And my defence secretary, General James, said we should respond with a bombing raid.

“On the FBI?” I said. “Totally.”

“Sir,” said General James, “please focus! Russia is definitely involved.”

“There was no collusion!” I shouted.

“In Syria,” clarified General James.

“Oh,” I said.

So then I tweeted a bunch of stuff, calling Asshat a “gas killing animal” and saying “get ready, Russia”, because missiles were coming. And everybody agreed it was exceedingly presidential. Then maybe we did some bombing, but I forget.

And then Emmanuel Macron from France came over to Washington. He kept touching me, and that was a bit strange, although I want you to know I did not find it arousing.

“Your mother,” I told him, during one of our long handshakes, “is very attractive!”

“Mon ami!” said Macron, squeezing furiously. “So is your daughter!”

“It’s funny,” I said, “because I sometimes get them confused, too. But she’s not actually my daughter.”

“No, I am,” said Ivanka.

May
That Brit prince had a wedding and I didn’t get invited. Even though I was good friends with his mother. Such a beautiful, dignified woman. Who totally wanted me, by the way. And his new wife does too. I can tell by the way she looks at me. In photographs. We’ve never met. But I was not cross. Although there will be no trade deal after Brexit. That’s not connected. But screw you, people.

Oh, wait! I also made contact with Korea! So much peace. I was fighting with Kim Thing Thung, who is short and fat although I never would say that. Until I literally did, but that meant he respected me, and after that we were skyping all the time to compliment each other on our physiques and hairstyles.

In fact, I remember one particular time we were talking, and it was just after I’d also cancelled another terrible, terrible peace deal with Iran, and chief of staff Kelly and my new secretary of state, Mike Pompeo, came running in to say the Supreme Leader had told everybody I was a dangerous idiot.

“No, I didn’t,” said Kim, on the screen.

“Sir,” said Pompeo, “there is another Supreme Leader.”

“How dare he!” shouted Kim.

“Ignore these people,” I said. “Next they’ll be telling us there’s another Korea.”

So that was good, but my guys were worried about the Iran thing. Kellyanne said I was even getting dumped on by Russia, although I said that had never happened, because I was a germophobe. Then Pompeo said we only really had the Israelis, and I said that was probably because my daughter was Israeli, although everybody said she wasn’t, and I was confused about that because she never eats ribs. Maybe she’s just a vegetarian.

Speaking of which, I also moved our embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, which is the real capital of the vegetarians, and it was such a success that hundreds of thousands of people in Gaza tried to cross the border to come and celebrate. Some of them were even flying kites. And there was also lots of new stuff about Stormy Daniels, so I had to keep googling her quite a lot, too.

“Sir,” I remember Kelly saying. “Be pleased. This is a good month. There’s a lot of support around the Norks.”

“Not in the videos I’m watching,” I said.

Also, I had a meeting with Kim Kardashian. She called first, and I thought she was the other Kim, but then she reminded me.

“Ass!” I said.

“Yes,” she said. And then she came in to talk about prison reform or something, although she wore an awful lot of clothes and I didn’t get to see much at all.

“You know what?” I said, before she left. “You should be an ambassador.”

“But I already am,” she said. “For Givenchy.”

“No, but for us,” I said. “To a country. Any country. What’s your favourite country?”

“I can’t actually think of any countries right now,” said Kim Kardashian.

“Nor me,” I said, frustrated. “Nor does anybody I call about this. It’s like we know the wrong people.”

June
Helluva month. I’m treated very unfairly. I heard my hot wife got in trouble for wearing a jacket with some writing on it to meet children at the border. So I called her to ask what it said.

“I really don’t care, do you?” said Melissa.

“Ordinarily no,” I said. “But they were talking about it on Fox.”

Also, more Korea! So much Korea. In fact, there was so much Korea that Pompeo said I needed a Korea adviser, although I had one of those once and he said I should be a janitor. But I proved him wrong by inheriting millions. Talent!

Before Korea there was a thing in Canada with the G7, which is called the G7 because it’s seven guys, although actually there are eight of them and one of them is Merkel, who isn’t a guy at all, even though she dresses like one of the Beatles. Who were all close friends of mine, by the way. “You are the walrus!” said John Lennon once, although I’m not, even.

The G7 were very disrespectful and hostile. Even though I’m a very likeable person. They all stood around me shouting that my tariffs made no economic sense. Which is rich from a bunch of people who can’t even count.

Justin Trudeau was particularly unpleasant. So many lies. My wife – and “Melissa” sounds wrong now I say it out loud, but I reckon you can get somebody to check this – hates him. Whenever he’s around she blushes and starts giggling. Which is just not what she ever does with people she likes. Such as, for example, me.

Anyway, then I flew to Korea. Amazing buildings. I saw them all, flying in.

“No, sir,” said Pompeo. “This summit is in Singapore. It’s a completely different country.”

“Right,” I said, grimly. “Because of the war.”

That was when we started getting all the reviews from the G7 performance, although my press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, wouldn’t tell me what they all said.

“Forget about the G7,” said Pompeo. “Not one of them knows how to negotiate with an egotistical man-child who has a nuclear arsenal and an inferiority complex.”

“Mike!” shouted Sanders. “What are you saying?”

“I meant Kim!” shouted Pompeo.

“I got that immediately,” I said. “It was incredibly obvious. Who else?”

July
“Dad,” said Ivanka, coming to see me in far more clothes than I really approve of. “We need to talk about children being separated from their parents and sometimes being detained in facilities where nobody even speaks their language.”

“Lies!” I said. “Fake news! Not happening!”

“Yes, but if you did it with Donald Jr and Eric,” said Ivanka, patiently, “then they couldn’t speak to the Mueller inquiry into our links with Russia. Maybe Guantanamo Bay?”

She’s so clever. And she got it from me. Like her ass. You’ve seen it? Although the main thing in July was my visit to Europe. First stop, Belgium, which is a beautiful city in France. Then to England, where they love me, because I’m great friends with Piers Morgan.

What a welcome! They even built a big balloon statue and hovered it over London. Which they never did for Obama, by the way. Which was a big slap in Sadiq Khan’s face, too. He’s the chairman of the Muslims, who have totally taken over Birmingham. So sad. Such a wonderful city. Very green.

Although I’m not saying it was a simple trip. Just before I went, a guy called Boris Johnson resigned, which was a thing everybody expected me to care about, even though I’d literally never heard of him. Bad hair! But he’s a fan, so I said he should be the next president, only then I had to sit next to the actual president at dinner, and she was this grey-faced lady with a cough who had to be polite, because they need our chlorinated chicken or they’ll starve once they’ve done Brexit.

Mainly we avoided London, because there was a march there of hundreds of thousands of women who were attracted to me. We stayed in the embassy, though, and we could hear them all night, shouting, “F*** you, Donald!” because they totally wanted to. And the next day I said we should send my wife, Melinda, to meet them, because she’s my feminist secret weapon, and she said, “Vott the fokk?” Although then the Secret Service said she might get lost or attacked or abducted and not come back. Actually she was much more keen after that, because she’s just so brave and loves me so very much.

Then we met the Queen, who I did not find sexually attractive at all.

“Husband!” hissed Matilda, digging her fingers into my arm. “Stop yawning! This is a great honour!”

“Frankly,” I said, “she looks less honoured than I was hoping.”

Then we went to Scotland, which I own. And then to Helsinki, to see Vladimir Putin.

“My good friend,” said Putin. “You are believing me that Russia haff not meddled in US election? And that we are haffing no kompromat? Because germophobe?”

“Er, yes,” I said, sweating slightly. “I mean, my own security services ...”

“Is ridiculous notion,” said Putin. “Based on idea that Trump is reliable Russian asset. Whereas actually Russia is agreeing with rest of world that Trump is unstable maniac and threat to all human civilisation.”

“Oh, thank you!” I said, relieved.

“Nyet problem,” said Putin, magnanimously.

Back home, though, things were complicated. See, I said Putin had denied that Russia was involved in hacking, and I added that, “I don’t see any reason why it would be.” Although then everybody complained, and I had to explain that I’d said “would” when I’d meant “wouldn’t”. As in, it was meant to be a double negative, but was only a single negative. Which I’m sure you’ll agree is an easy mistake. Particularly if you aren’t not a total idiot.

August
There was no collusion. Also, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, my press secretary, is pretty much always in the White House because nobody will serve her in restaurants any more. Me, I prefer to eat in my own house, anyway. Ideally, in my bathroom. It’s efficient. That’s all I’m saying. In one end, out the other. Mine are big. Manly. Like a bear would do. Not pellets, like a rabbit. Why would you even say that?

Anyway, she came in one day and said there was big news, because Manafort had been convicted and Cohen was pleading guilty.

“Yes!” I said, punching the sky. In a hefty way, actually, because my hands are massive. As are other bits. No worries on that score.

“Sir,” said Sanders. “No. This is bad. One of these people is your former campaign manager, and the other is your lawyer.”

So I asked if she meant the one who looked like the Big Lebowski, although she said she thought that was my doctor.

I sighed. “It’s too complicated,” I said. “This Russia thing? There are too many names. I’m not following. I don’t even know which ones are people. I thought Manafort was a fort. Is Jeff Sessions a kind of session? All I know for sure is that there is no evidence that anybody in my campaign has ever met a Russian.”

“Except for Donald Jr,” Sanders said.

“He’s Russian?” I said. “Who was his mother?”

Then Sanders said that lots of this was also connected to Stormy Daniels, and so I sent her away so I could remind myself who that was for a short time by myself. In private. On the internet. And then I started tweeting. Witch hunt! Bad lawyers! Fake news! Enemies of the people! And then I turned on the television and saw that my hot wife, Magdala, was in Africa or somewhere talking about cyberbullying, and saying most children understand better how to behave on social media than some adults. So I called her.

“Hey,” I said. “It’s me. Your boss. I mean, husband. And I’m not stupid. Very far from that, in fact. So I know exactly who you were talking about.”

“Wow,” said Monica.

“As in,” I said, “my enemies. Such terrible people. So many lies.”

“Husband,” she said. “Is true what I read that you are willing to pay glamorous women much money to go away for ever?”

“Honey,” I said, “how could you believe it?”

Martina sighed. “Was just hoping,” she said.

September
A new book came out by one of the Watergate guys, and it quoted John F Kelly saying I was “an idiot” and that we were “in Crazytown”, and that being my chief of staff was the “worst job he ever had”. Although I was much more upset when Kellyanne Conway told me that Stormy Daniels had said that Little Donald resembled somebody from Super Mario Bros.

“She thinks my son looks Italian?” I asked.

“No,” said Kellyanne, and explained.

It’s fake news. Actually, I’m too disgusted to even talk about it. So I won’t. Except to say, would a man with trouble in that department run contests rewarding beautiful women for standing next to him in bikinis? Would he spend millions of dollars building massive pointy towers all around the world with his name on them? Would he always be showing off about his missiles? It just doesn’t make sense. Also, the thing about it looking like a mushroom? Lies! But also, says my doctor, totally normal and extremely healthy.

Not long after all that, I spoke to the United Nations and they laughed at me when I said my administration had accomplished more than any other administration in the history of America.

“I just don’t get why that’s funny,” I said.

“Search me,” said my doctor. “I thought I was here about the mushroom thing.”

Then I met up with Emmanuel, from France, and we spent a very, very long time shaking hands while I told him off for being a disloyal sidekick.

“Mon ami,” he said, calling me afterwards, “je suis not your sidekick! Je pence vous être wrong about everything. Climate change, tariffs, globalisation, la normalité des champignons!”

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I said. “But anybody could see you were really into me.”

“Iran!” shouted Macron.

“Well, sure,” I said. “And really fast. But you were leaving, anyway.”

October
The lies they made up about poor Judge Brett Kavanaugh! So horrible. Such terrible people. And women, most of them, which is even worse. He’s been treated very unfairly. Between us, we spoke on the phone often.

“I’m calling you,” I told him. “It really is me. I’m magnanimous like that.”

“I like beer,” said Kavanaugh.

“Sure,” I said. “I know beer. Although not personally. But the things they’re saying you did? In high school? Buddy, you know what I did at high school? That’s right. I inherited millions and millions of dollars. But does that have any bearing on the man I am today?”

“The thing is,” said Kavanaugh, “I like beer.”

“We’re very similar,” I told him. “Except for the beer. And the way you’re a judge. Although I could have been a judge. The best judge. Everybody said. It’s not a wig. I hope you like being on the Supreme Court. You’re famous now. You just reach out and grab it. I’m hanging up. We’ve been treated very unfairly. Who is this, anyway?”

“I like beer,” said Kavanaugh.

Also, I had a meeting with Kanye West. It was strange. First I had a phone call from Kim Kardashian.

“Ass!” I said.

“Yes, that’s me,” she said.

“How’s your dad?” I said, because we’re old friends.

“She’s fine,” she said.

“You’ve been to China?” I said.

“Eh?” she said.

Anyway, then Kanye came in. Amazing guy. Very powerful.

“I have dragon energy,” he said. “You’re my brother. Skin is a cloak and time doesn’t exist. Shoes? Too expensive. And the Unabomber? Under the trap door, there is a trap door. Look at my iPhone. Don’t tell anybody the code. You like my hat? Peace.”

“I didn’t understand a word of that,” I told him, “but my wife likes one of your songs.”

“I ain’t sayin’ she a gold-digger,” said Kanye.

“Actually, we don’t talk very much,” I said. “And I’m very rich. So I wouldn’t rule it out. Are you leaving soon?”

“I get to wake up,” said Kanye, “next to the most desired reality TV star in the world.”

“No way,” I said. “I mean, stay over if you like. But separate rooms.”

Meanwhile, Malaria had gone to Egypt dressed as one of the Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark. Hot!

November
There was no collusion. Also, we had the midterm elections and they went very well for us, because we didn’t want a majority in Congress anyway. And afterwards, I had a fight with a journalist from CNN, who was very rude and punched an intern girl in the face, or at least will have done by the time my people finish working on the video.

Then I went to France for the Armistice celebration, and Emmanuel Macron started telling people that Europe needed to have a stronger army. So I called him as soon as I got to the hotel, and I was very angry.

“How dare you?” I said. “Without America you’d be speaking German! And Angela Merkel would be speaking Russian!”

Macron asked who he’d be speaking German to, then. “Et aussi,” he added, “I actually can speak German. And Angela’s Russian is excellent.”

“Shut up,” I said. “You know what I meant. Your pathetic European armies didn’t do much good in the First World War or Second World War, did they?”

“Alors,” said Macron. “This is why we want a stronger one.”

“This is a very confusing conversation,” I said.

“Feel free to call back,” said Macron, “and try it again.”

But actually, I didn’t have time because I was very busy staying in my hotel room doing absolutely nothing. I was supposed to go to visit our war dead, but the French had made it rain explicitly to embarrass me. Such unfriendliness. So unfair. And our helicopters don’t work in the rain. And nor does my hair.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, people kept demanding I comment on the way that Jared’s friends from Saudi Arabia had killed a journalist and rolled him up in a rug.

“Such terrible people,” I said. “Like animals! They oughta be hunted down and thrown in jail!”

“Um, sir?” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “Obviously you are never wrong. About anything. But for geopolitical reasons, I’d perhaps be just a little careful talking about the Saudis like that.”

“Are you insane?” I asked her. “I meant journalists.”

December
There was no collusion. I’ve been treated very unfairly. Although I was watching Fox News and I was enjoying it so much that I decided to call Emmanuel Macron.

“Hey buddy,” I said. “Fun day?”

Macron sounded harassed. In the background I could hear sirens and screaming.

“Ah, le Donald,” he said, weakly. “C’est ne pas un good time. What do you want?”

“I heard,” I said, “that your rioters love me! So much. And hate you. And wish they had me, instead. In fact, I heard that they’re chanting, ‘We want Trump!’ Somebody I sorta know definitely knows somebody else who heard those exact words in a video.”

Macron asked why they’d have been chanting it in English, though. Because in France, they speak French.

“Yeah,” I said, “but it’s really difficult. So that’s probably one of the things they’re complaining about.”

Later, crossing the White House lawn on the way to my helicopter to fly to a football game, I told reporters that my chief of staff, John F Kelly, would be leaving.

“Will I?” he said in the chopper.

“Yes,” I said. “Because of the ‘idiot’ thing. Which was very disrespectful. Are we there yet? I’m getting out.”

“Sir, close the door immediately,” he said. “We’re 200 metres up.”

Which was precisely the sort of disrespect I’m talking about.

After the game, back in the White House, I bump into my wife, Margarita, in one of the White House corridors and suddenly realise I hadn’t seen her in ages. She’s been designing all of our Christmas tree decorations, and all the trees are red. Also, she seems to have stopped turning the lights on.

“Husband,” she says, looking worried.

“Haff been watching news. Is true what all are saying?”

“There has been no collusion,” I tell her.

“Not with me,” she agrees. “For ages. Barron is 12 now. But was actually talking about Russia. And new stories of alarming, unlawful offers made long ago.”

“Lies,” I say. “Always. Like I said, I’m a germophobe.”