Crap Joke fred.

[rowan]

As a great Brazilian footballer of the 1980s put it: I only know that I know nothing.

[Numbers]

As a great Brazilian footballer of the 1980s put it: I only know that I know nothing.

Socrates?

[rowan]

As a great Brazilian footballer of the 1980s put it: I only know that I know nothing.

Socrates?

The very same!

[Galfon]

back on topic, in a butcher's shop..
Woman: 'I would like to buy that large cow's head you have on display in your shop window'
Butcher: 'I'm sorry madam that won't be possible, all we have in the window today is a mirror..'

[rowan]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, you're a poo!



Knock knock

Who's there?

Theodore.

Theodore who?

The door wasn't open so I knocked.



Knock knock

Who's there?

A broken pencil.

A broken pencil who?

Don't worry, it's pointless

[Galfon]

..The barman says, "You're that string that came in a few minutes ago, aren't you?"

"No I'm afraid not!"

Barman: 'Then you must have a double then'

Stringfellow: 'That's very kind of you sir,make it your finest single malt...'

[rowan]

An Auckland man was found hanging dead in a porn shop last night attired in women's lingerie, fishnet stockings, stiletto heels and a Blues rugby jersey. Police removed the jersey to save the family from unnecessary embarrassment.

[Discreet Hooker]

Someone recently shot at me with a starter pistol . Local Police say it may be race related .

[Galfon]

Good names for man with..
..sea-gull on head: Cliff
..spade in head: Doug
..car on head: Jack
..plank on head: EdWood
..3 planks: EdWood Woodwood
..foot-prints on back: Matt
Baby..
..floating in sea: Bob
..in paper bag: Russell
German with ..
..hunting dogs on head: Wolfgang
..pot on head: Helmut

[SerjeantWildgoose]

Someone recently shot at me with a starter pistol . Local Police say it may be race related .

Way back someone smacked me over the head with a hinged barrier normally used to close an opening in a wall fence or hedge. Police were treating it as a gate crime.

Over the next few months it happened another seven times. They're treating them all as eight crimes.

[Galfon]

A teenager ran into the local church last Sunday and threw some household hypochlorite liquid at the minister.He was unharmed fortunately, but the young assailant has since been arrested and charged with bleach of the priest.

[Galfon]

..he was picked up after being seen hanging around suspiciously undercover at a local camp-site.He has also been charged with loitering within 'tent..

[Discreet Hooker]

What do the films ' Titanic ' & ' Sixth Sense ' have in common .

Icy dead people .

[rowan]

Bad surgeons make deformed incisions...

[Galfon]

A man walked into a bank with a dollop of custard and cream in one ear and a dollop of jelly with strawberries in the other.
'How can we help you today?' asked the girl at the desk
'eh ?'..he said,'you'll have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf..'

[Galfon]

What do you call a 3-barrelled firearm fired from the shoulder ?
A Trifle.

[Galfon]

A couple went for a pub meal and after a dire steak for main course decided to risk a dessert. From a choice of 'Cheesecake' or 'Lucky Trifle' they went for the latter.. At the end of the meal they complained at the bar - 'The trifle was disgusting- the cream was sour, custard lumpy and fruit mouldy ..we can't see why you call it 'Lucky'..
Barman: 'Well you didn't have the Cheesecake did you ?..'

[Discreet Hooker]

Man walks into a chemist
" Have you got some really strong anti~biotics for a bad dose of the 'flu .?"
Chemist " Sorry , but you'd need a prescription that ."
Man " Well , couldn't you make something up. ?"
Chemist " Well okay , Frank Sinatra came in here yesterday . "

[onlynameleft]

Good names for man with..
..sea-gull on head: Cliff
..spade in head: Doug
..car on head: Jack
..plank on head: EdWood
..3 planks: EdWood Woodwood
..foot-prints on back: Matt
Baby..
..floating in sea: Bob
..in paper bag: Russell
German with ..
..hunting dogs on head: Wolfgang
..pot on head: Helmut

And what do you call a man WITHOUT a spade on his head? Douglas.

A lady with one leg shorter than the other: Eileen
A Chinese lady with one leg shorter than the other: Irene

[SerjeantWildgoose]

Policeman: Sir, do you know you have a couple of snakes on your windscreen.

German Driver: Ya, zey are mein vindscreen vipers.

[SerjeantWildgoose]

... providing a neat segue into the German joke section.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been terribly injured.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

Why is it so difficult to buy Asprin in the jungle?
Because the population density is so low as to make it financially non-viable to establish a commercial pharmaceutical enterprise there.

Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a compound fracture of the right femur and even with the best treatment there is an 86% chance that you will be left with a permanent limp.

[Donny osmond]

What did the trumpet player do when he saw a weed in his garden?

He rooted-it-oot

Sent from my HUAWEI VNS-L31 using Tapatalk

[rowan]

What did the trumpet player do when he saw a weed in his garden?

He rooted-it-oot

Sent from my HUAWEI VNS-L31 using Tapatalk

Only if he was Scotch or perhaps Canadian, with an accent like that

[Vengeful Glutton]

Jewish man and a Chinese woman get married and have a baby boy. After careful deliberation, they decide on a name that reflects both their cultures:

Cha Ching.

[Galfon]

A neighbour of mine used to draw and paint bees while permanently sloshed.
He was Apis artist.