Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:27 pm
Evil. Anybody got any tips and tricks on how to deal with this shit?
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Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 2:51 pm
Let the humour flow....
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 3:25 pm
Raw chilli, rubbed onto the affected area is guaranteed to sting like feck, don't be doing that
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 5:29 pm
Walk it off Len.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 6:04 pm
Tea tree oil. Seriously, try it.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 6:12 pm
Have you considered the power of prayer?
Everyday, Grandad would disappear into the lavvie with a copy of the Daily Mirror under his arm and all we could hear was him saying "oh sweet jeezuz ker-rist!" Over and over again
Everyday, Grandad would disappear into the lavvie with a copy of the Daily Mirror under his arm and all we could hear was him saying "oh sweet jeezuz ker-rist!" Over and over again
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 8:22 pm
I'm loving the fact that on the main menu, that the thread above this one is "standing for the anthem" 
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 8:27 pm
Bit of Deep Heat, Len. Job's a good 'un.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:26 pm
Think I did it chucking tin.
Anyway, turns out the suppositories I need are all sold out. Went to 4 supermarkets and nobody had any. Not that I was that keen to stick anything up my ass anyway. Rang 111 this morning and they told me to go to A&E. Waited there for 3 hours until I was seen. Was sitting down in the ward when an alarm went off. Nurses running around everywhere and shitloads of screaming. Turns out a junkie flipped and was making a B-line for the childrens ward armed with a fire exstinguisher. So there I was, ass on fire, can't barely walk having to defend a corridor 300 style against a drugged up dickhead until the cops arrived.
The thanks I got? Some bloke jammed his fingers in my ass.
Anyway, turns out the suppositories I need are all sold out. Went to 4 supermarkets and nobody had any. Not that I was that keen to stick anything up my ass anyway. Rang 111 this morning and they told me to go to A&E. Waited there for 3 hours until I was seen. Was sitting down in the ward when an alarm went off. Nurses running around everywhere and shitloads of screaming. Turns out a junkie flipped and was making a B-line for the childrens ward armed with a fire exstinguisher. So there I was, ass on fire, can't barely walk having to defend a corridor 300 style against a drugged up dickhead until the cops arrived.
The thanks I got? Some bloke jammed his fingers in my ass.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:28 pm
"Ass on fire"
You said it
You said it
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 9:28 pm
Donny osmond wrote:Tea tree oil. Seriously, try it.
Its on the list. Going to the doctors tomorrow and demading steroids. I wouldn't mind surgery either as that would lower the risk of future ass burnies. Co-codamol is the business though.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2016 11:48 pm
This seems like the perfect topic for Timmy, were he still here.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 1:14 am
At least he was clean and you didn't need to buy him a drink first, so it's already better than your usual Friday night, I imagine.Len wrote:
The thanks I got? Some bloke jammed his fingers in my ass.
Seriously though, I can relate to your discomfort. Some 15 years ago I suffered an anal fissure. A painful and highly unpleasant condition that has kept me breakfasting on the kind of fibre that belongs more in a stable than on a table ever since. I recall spending a day of continuing ed standing at the back of the hall to rest my injured ringpiece from the tyranny of the hard seats, politely declining offers of seating spots all day.
About the only good to come of it is that it's given me a reference point to call on at other times things have gone badly. When times get tough I sometimes look back and think: "Is this as bad as the time I was lying on that arse doctors table, his wife/nurse stroking my head and murmuring 'There's a good lad. There's a good lad', while her husband's meaty gloved fingers explored my colon"? The answer, fortunately, has usually been "No. No, it isn't".
Anuses are like backs. You never think about them until they play up.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 2:57 am
Spy wrote:At least he was clean and you didn't need to buy him a drink first, so it's already better than your usual Friday night, I imagine.Len wrote:
The thanks I got? Some bloke jammed his fingers in my ass.
Seriously though, I can relate to your discomfort. Some 15 years ago I suffered an anal fissure. A painful and highly unpleasant condition that has kept me breakfasting on the kind of fibre that belongs more in a stable than on a table ever since. I recall spending a day of continuing ed standing at the back of the hall to rest my injured ringpiece from the tyranny of the hard seats, politely declining offers of seating spots all day.
About the only good to come of it is that it's given me a reference point to call on at other times things have gone badly. When times get tough I sometimes look back and think: "Is this as bad as the time I was lying on that arse doctors table, his wife/nurse stroking my head and murmuring 'There's a good lad. There's a good lad', while her husband's meaty gloved fingers explored my colon"? The answer, fortunately, has usually been "No. No, it isn't".
Anuses are like backs. [\b]You never think about them until they play up.
Is a subtle way of calling numbers 9 to 15 arseholes?
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 9:35 am
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:24 pm
Update: Going under the knife to get it sorted!
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2016 10:59 pm
Prep H. Only works on the small ones. A warm bath can alleviate the excruciating pain.Len wrote:Evil. Anybody got any tips and tricks on how to deal with this shit?
You might have to soldier through it if it's a big mutha.
Eat lots of fibre in future. Your shit should have a medium soft constitution, and should pass easily. Are you shitting concrete blocks?
You have my sympathies my friend. Get well soon.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2016 11:00 pm
Good luck.Len wrote:Update: Going under the knife to get it sorted!
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2016 4:12 pm
Probably a little late to the party, but could you not have manoeuvred your arse into the path of the nutter with the fire extinguisher?Len wrote:Turns out a junkie flipped and was making a B-line for the childrens ward armed with a fire exstinguisher. So there I was, ass on fire, ....
Just saying, like ...
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 3:08 am
You could take up a career in rosebudding for the camera.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2016 1:11 pm
They look more like grapes.Lizard wrote:You could take up a career in rosebudding for the camera.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 1:43 pm
Pictures or STFULen wrote:They look more like grapes.Lizard wrote:You could take up a career in rosebudding for the camera.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 6:24 pm
Lifetime ban and chemical castration for anyone even thinking of posting pics of their arse grapes. You sick bastards.
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 6:28 pm
morepork wrote:Lifetime man and chemical castration for anyone even thinking of posting pics of their arse grapes. You sick bastards.
I have now googled the sentence arse grapes....no... god no!!!
Re: Hemorrhoids
Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 6:30 pm
ADDER
Stomp the brakes and put that shit right through the windshield mate. Go no further down that dirty brown road.
Stomp the brakes and put that shit right through the windshield mate. Go no further down that dirty brown road.