The words of Earl

[fivepointer]

It must be a spoof. But its a good one.

"I performed my morning stretches on the thin carpet, my movements precise, economical. Energy must be conserved and channelled for tomorrow. Showered at exactly 39 degrees"

[Puja]

Back to the words of Ben Earl. His tour diary (totally legit I’m sure) is quite something.

The fact that you gave me a Patrick fucking Bateman monologue and I wasn't 100% convinced that it wasn't a actual newspaper 'tour diary' column in the name of Earl. Chapeau, my friend, chapeau.

Puja

[Banquo]

I don’t see that as being difficult to accept and whilst I’d pick a fit Underhill or an available Jack Willis ahead of him I really like the stylish and pacy way Earl plays openside and he’s massively underestimated as a fetcher by many.

Who are these ‘massive underraters’ and what evidence do you have- and indeed what do you mean by- of his fetching abilities? You don’t watch club rugby, where he plies his trade almost exclusively at 7.

A stuck ( and inaccurate ) record, just for the record

It was you that said it iirc. Certainly backed up by some of the ‘observations’ you make. Anyway, what’s the answers the original questions?

[Galfon]

Defo looks like a spoof , and a mighty p*ss take of how the set up, approach and individual just might be in extremis.
If not , something's gone wrong and it would explain alot
( from many miles outside the circus, let alone the big tent. )

[Mikey Brown]

Back to the words of Ben Earl. His tour diary (totally legit I’m sure) is quite something.

The fact that you gave me a Patrick fucking Bateman monologue and I wasn't 100% convinced that it wasn't a actual newspaper 'tour diary' column in the name of Earl. Chapeau, my friend, chapeau.

Puja

They are gold. I wish I could take credit, but they’re pinched from the Aus rugby reddit page.

I can’t think of a better way to link them but here’s another I enjoyed.

Morning: The final Captain’s Run at the MCG. As a non-playing squad member, my designated role for the session was to simulate the running lines of the returning Wallaby number six, Rob Valetini. I was handed a different coloured bib and given my instructions. I performed this duty with optimal precision, replicating Valetini’s known tendency to target the inside shoulder of the second defender.

On the third repetition, I noted a 0.5-second delay in the defensive fold from our blindside flanker. It created a momentary gap. I made a mental note of the timing. The system remains vulnerable to basic, direct carries if the internal mechanics are not perfectly synchronised.

Afternoon: The jersey presentation ceremony took place in one of the hotel conference rooms. It is a ritualistic ceremony designed to elicit an emotional response. I stood at the back and observed. One by one, the selected players went up to receive their shirts. Jack Conan accepted his number 8 jersey. His eyes were moist. A predictable physiological response to the stimulus.

I am not a participant. I am an observer. The presentation of symbolic garments is irrelevant to my current function.

Evening: The match day 23 are now in their final pre-match protocols. Hydration, visualisation, early sleep. My own task is different. I have set up a spreadsheet on my tablet to log the key performance indicators for tomorrow's match. I will track tackle completion rates, breakdown efficiency, and metres per carry for both back rows. I will pay particular attention to the performance of Jac Morgan, my replacement on the bench. The data must be clean. The experiment must be recorded accurately. I feel no nerves, only the quiet anticipation of a scientist waiting for a hypothesis to be proven.

I haven’t a clue what knowledge of Ben Earl as a person they’re using to put these together, but I enjoy it.

[Danno]

I'm still calling this a Sage advert

[Mellsblue]

It's the new Sage advert

[jngf]

I'm assuming spoof - not "clear and obvious" but definitely more likely than not

It reminds me of pseud’s corner ( for those Private Eye readers amongst us ).

Ben Earl ( allegedly ) simulating the role of Valentini is taking method acting a bit far though

(in fact isn’t there a paradox about travelling half the distance to an end point ( in this case gain line) then travelling half that distance again …etc etc where no. of times equals infinity ) and never quite getting over the gain line? - not singling out Earl here as there’s a number of our backrows seemingly afflicted by this paradox in tight traffic )