The Cringe/Hate Thread

[Mikey Brown]

This is as much for my own sanity as it is for your enjoyment, but feel free to add your own if you get as irrationally angry at very benign everyday words/phrases/behaviour. I don't think these are even near the top of the list, just what's been bothering me today.

- Using the phrase "mic drop". Just fuck off entirely.

- The phrase "xxxx doesn't happen in a vacuum". Weirdly specific perhaps, but that's part of what is so annoying. I'm fairly certain people just heard the guy on True Detective say it (and it does sound sort of cool) and are just desperate to crowbar it in to anything, no matter how menial and devoid of drama that subject might be.

- Trump/Brexit jokes from those types that desperately want to appear informed about politics but don't have any actual opinions.

- The word Brexit.

- I'm tempted to add puns in general. I do not believe that anyone has ever found one of these funny, nor do I believe that they can 'be so bad that they're funny'.

I've probably got a million more that I've thankfully forgotten, for the meantime. Hopefully some of you are as easily annoyed as I am. I'll try not to alienate half the board by listing one particular joke from Airplane.

[Donny osmond]

Speaking of puns, what do you call a snobbish criminal going down some stairs?


A condescending con descending.


Fecking genius.

[SerjeantWildgoose]

Those fecking people who end every phrase or sentence with an upward inflection, thereby turning every statement into a question.

Cunts?

[morepork]

Those fecking people who end every phrase or sentence with an upward inflection, thereby turning every statement into a question.

Cunts?

You mean Australians?

[J Dory]

Those fecking people who end every phrase or sentence with an upward inflection, thereby turning every statement into a question.

Cunts?

You mean Australians?

MP was making a statement there, it was the inflection that generated the "?".

[Donny osmond]

Went to a zoo the other day but the only animal in it was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.

[Donny osmond]

Those fecking people who end every phrase or sentence with an upward inflection, thereby turning every statement into a question.

Cunts?

Teenagers.

[OptimisticJock]

The phrase "on point".

[Mikey Brown]

The phrase "on point".

Ah, fuck. Yes. That one.

[Mellsblue]

- I'm tempted to add puns in general. I do not believe that anyone has ever found one of these funny, nor do I believe that they can 'be so bad that they're funny'.

You're in the wrong place.

[Mellsblue]

On the Australian theme.....the way they start every sentence with "look" when answering a question.

The use of the word 'like'. As in, 'it was like so amazing'.

The use of emojis in place of words rather than to give context.

People who park like twats.

Any time Piers Morgan speaks.

[Mellsblue]

Any time an actor/pop star/celeb turns up on tv asking you to donate money whilst you know that if they sold one of their many houses/cars/savings accounts in Bermuda they could solve most of the problems of the shit hole they flew first class to to shoot the advert.

[AL.]

On the Australian theme.....the way they start every sentence with "look" when answering a question.

The use of the word 'like'. As in, 'it was like so amazing'.

The use of emojis in place of words rather than to give context.

People who park like twats.

Any time Piers Morgan speaks.

The school run that use the road outside my house instead of the drop off point at the school, the drop off point which is shut by the school during school run time on health and safety grounds ffs. Thereby causing 1,000,000 people a day to use my gravel driveway to turn around and park on and my not being allowed a no turning sign by the parish council on health and safety grounds.

[onlynameleft]

People who say Trivial Pursuits.

People who say Scalectrix

People who say Mitsibushi

People who say Porscher (I mean you Tiff Needell you irritating twat)

[Adder]

Went to a zoo the other day but the only animal in it was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.

Stealing this

[Stones of granite]

The spurious "r"
TV presenters in particular are bad at this. If a word ends in a vowel and the word following starts with a vowel, they should be separated by a glottal stop, not conjoined by a spurious "r".

Anna Archer becomes Annararcher.

Stop it!!!

[morepork]

I heard a spotty little wanker talk about "the DNA of his company" the other day. DNA is the hereditary unit of life, not some deliberately vague corporate jargon for your bullshit purpose in life you fucking legume.

[Donny osmond]

Went to a zoo the other day but the only animal in it was a dog.

It was a Shitzu.

Stealing this

I prefer chemistry jokes but they don't get the same reaction

[rowan]

A friend recently gave me a nice present - two sticks of equal length, lashed together in the middle so they go horizontally and vertically. I must say, that's quite a big plus for me.

[Mellsblue]

Spitting, especially in the street. Farking disgusting.

[Mikey Brown]

Spitting, especially in the street. Farking disgusting.

You'd think any remotely conscientious person would realise spitting is just disgusting, but seemingly not. Nearly had an altercation with a guy the other day who almost spat on my feet and seemed completely unable to see what the problem was.

I like all the innocuous stuff like Stones of Granite's one, but I guess people apparently still need the spitting thing pointed out.

[Stones of granite]

Spitting, especially in the street. Farking disgusting.

Never, ever visit China.

[rowan]

After 12 years, I have a few gripes about Turkey to get off my chest:

1 Replying in Tarzan English when I am speaking perfectly good Turkish to them
2 Pushing in at the grocer because they think a Yabanci (foreigner) will take all day due to language obstacles
3 Waiters swiping my food and drink away before I am finished with it
4 Not stopping at pedestrian crossings. I realise this applies to the entire Mediterranean region, but in Turkey they actually speed up!
5 Taxi drivers blasting their horns every time they see a Yabanci (like all we do is ride taxis everywhere)
6 Totally unnecessary noise - ie blasting horns (in lieu of indicators, for example), shouting into mobile phones (esp. in cafes and restaurants) and announcing the Call to Prayer over loud-speakers at defeaning volume (esp. the dawn edition)
7 Ferocious political speeches, as if roaring like a WWF wrestler on anabolic steroids somehow makes you a trustworthy legislator
8 Constant use of the terms 'terrorists' and 'Martyrs' in TV news bulletins
9 The assumption a Yabanci knows nothing about Turkey and therefore holds no right to an opinion (like Turks don't have opinions on the West...)
10 The assumption Turkish historical figures are household names all over the world and - more than anyone else, apparently - determined the course of history

[SerjeantWildgoose]

After 12 years, I have a few gripes about Turkey to get off my chest:

1 Replying in Tarzan English when I am speaking perfectly good Turkish to them
2 Pushing in at the grocer because they think a Yabanci (foreigner) will take all day due to language obstacles
3 Waiters swiping my food and drink away before I am finished with it
4 Not stopping at pedestrian crossings. I realise this applies to the entire Mediterranean region, but in Turkey they actually speed up!
5 Taxi drivers blasting their horns every time they see a Yabanci (like all we do is ride taxis everywhere)
6 Totally unnecessary noise - ie blasting horns (in lieu of indicators, for example), shouting into mobile phones (esp. in cafes and restaurants) and announcing the Call to Prayer over loud-speakers at defeaning volume (esp. the dawn edition)
7 Ferocious political speeches, as if roaring like a WWF wrestler on anabolic steroids somehow makes you a trustworthy legislator
8 Constant use of the terms 'terrorists' and 'Martyrs' in TV news bulletins
9 The assumption a Yabanci knows nothing about Turkey and therefore holds no right to an opinion (like Turks don't have opinions on the West...)
10 The assumption Turkish historical figures are household names all over the world and - more than anyone else, apparently - determined the course of history

There'd be a few Armenians reading this thinking, "Tshhhh! That Rowan and his first world problems."

[SerjeantWildgoose]

Spitting, especially in the street. Farking disgusting.

Never, ever visit China.

They are absolutely gopping feckers, the Chinese.

I once had to fly overnight from Monrovia to Kampala and be fresh and ready for a conference on arrival, so HM Govt agreed to pay for me to travel business class so that I might kip. As I settled in to my Kenyan Airlines business class sofa, a Chinese bloke began stowing his duty free in the seat beyond the aisle. He paused only to hawk up an oyster and gob it down the side of the seat.

Our trip took us via Luanda and scoff was served between Monrovia and the stop-off; the Chinese bloke was swallowing drink as fast as the poor stewardess could pour it. When we landed at Luanda yer man got up, collected his duty free and then fecked off, leaving me as the only passenger in Business Class. 10 minutes later, another bloke trundled in with a similar Monrovia Duty Free bag, took the other bloke's seat and started yelling for drink. Clearly there was a scam where these blokes shared the additional cost of 1 Business Class seat and used it to get a feed of drink - but the stewardess had them pegged.

She actually asked me if I recognised the man as the one who had sat there from Monrovia. Now ordinarily I couldn't tell the feckers apart and I wouldn't have shopped them even if I could, but the gobbing down the side of the seat had so pissed me off that I shopped the ballix and glad to have done so.