RugbyRebels

Patient: 'I appear to have a billiard ball stuck up my bum.'
Doctor: 'You'll have to get to the end of the cue.'

Two nuns in a bath, one says "where's the soap?" The other says "yes it does, doesn't it".

A cannibal passed his brother on the beach, then tucked in to a clown just out of the pot.
He turned to the person next to him and asked 'does this taste funny to you ?..'

My barber made a complete mess of cutting my hair. He asked if I wanted anything on it.I said, I'll have a pair of knickers please, just to look a complete twat.

A man with just 3 strands of his beloved thatch left went for his customary visit to his local barbers.
'Just a trim, then swept to the left please' he asked.
The barber took a bit off but unfortunately when combing the hair, one of the strands fell out..
'That's ok, just take a bit more off and comb it to the right this time' he told the barber.
Sadly, another fell out, leaving just one hair to work with.
'No problem' the man said,
'just leave it - i'll go for the winsdswept look..'

Browyn & Idris were newly weds having wed in Lllongoedd . They were at it like rabbits , even Sundays , both before and after Chapel . Feeling guilty they nervously approached the Welsh Vicar and told him of their concerns regarding their strict faith . After much deliberation the Vicar told the couple they could have sex on a Sunday but on no account should they enjoy it .

Why was the beach wet ?
Because the sea weed.

Charles turned up at a function in Hartlepool today wearing a smart suit plus strange fox-fur hat complete with resplendant tail.
When asked by the local mayor why he had chosen the interesting headwear for the occasion, Charles replied: 'Phil asked me this morning where I was going today, and when I mentioned Hartlepool, he said " Wear the Fox hat! "...'

Bloke in a remote African tribe has a dickey stomach and goes to see the witch doctor. The doc takes down a thin strip of cowhide, dips it into a foul fluid then ties seven knots in it.
"There you go - just bite off and swallow a knot every day and come back and see me in a week".
A week later :
"Well - how do you fell - dickey tum cleared up?"
"No doc - the thong has ended but the malady lingers on."

Bloke in the Australian outback hears of a tiny place called Mercy where they are reputed to serve the most exclusive drink in the world - koala tea. He decides he has to have some and after several day's travel by jeep, mule and on foot, arrives at a spot in the middle of nowhere, consisting of a single, beaten up little cafe and nothing else.
He enters and asks the owner if they serve koala tea there. The man confirms that they do and so he orders a pot. It arrives and he poues out a cup, only to find a foul, steaming, stinking concoction, with bits of hair, bone, teeth, claws and assorted body parts.
He calls the owner over :
"WTF is this rancid mess - I orderd koala tea"
"Yes sir, you did - but the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

Police in Paris found a man in the river with a pair of knickers on his head and pencils up his nose. They said he was In Seine.

Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove.

onlynameleft wrote:Did you hear about the man with 5 dicks?
His pants fit like a glove.

3 cocks, he had 3 cocks dammit.

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Customer at indian restaurant:
'Have you a well ventilated toilet I can use ?'
Waiter: 'Vindow-loo ? '
Customer: 'No, it was the Madras..

..and 'I'd like to try something different today, can you suggest anything ?'
Waiter: 'Try the chicken Tarka sir.'
Customer: 'You mean Tikka ?'
Waiter:'Similar sir, but a little 'otter..'

There was a bit of trouble later when a touring South American rugby team arrived and began throwing their starters at the locals.
Police arrived and quickly calmed the situation but took no further action as they described it as just a bit of argie-bhaji.

On the Starship Enterprise, why did Capt. Kirk always have a roll of toilet paper on his belt ?

To help wipe out the Klingons.

Galfon wrote:Customer at indian restaurant:
'Have you a well ventilated toilet I can use ?'
Waiter: 'Vindow-loo ? '
Customer: 'No, it was the Madras..

..and 'I'd like to try something different today, can you suggest anything ?'
Waiter: 'Try the chicken Tarka sir.'
Customer: 'You mean Tikka ?'
Waiter:'Similar sir, but a little 'otter..'

That's not crap, that's my go to favourite joke...

What do you call a large wobbly flying machine ?

A jellycoptor.

A poor bloke ended up down below after a sudden unexpected end to his life but he had unfinished business on earth so asked one of the devil's henchmen if there was any way of getting back upstairs for one more day..
'It can be arranged' said the Nasty - 'you just need to spend the night with that ugly old hag over there and give in to all her demands, then you can go up in the morning...'
She was an asboloute horror, covered in warts and sores,stank something rotten and didn't leave him alone all night.
He managed to get through it out of sheer desparation though.
As he was leaving, he looked in the next room and saw a well known politician smiling on a bed with a gorgeous young stunner lying beside him.
The man cried 'this isn't fair! just how can that happen ??'
The Nasty replied: 'Well sometimes the new lady arrivals ask for exra time upstairs too...'

That works so much better if you actually substitute a name for 'a well known politician.'

I used Ian Paisley. But then tried it again with Maggie Thatcher and got a very strange reaction in my nifties!

Tony Blackburn was showing two nuns around touring the Bbc building . The one nun was quite attractive and asked Tony Blackburn how she could go about getting a request played on the radio for her mother . Blackburn pushed her to oneside , pulls out his todger and says " Get your lips around this bad boy and I'll see what I can do ." Nun kneels down , holds his todger and says " Dear mother , this is your daughter Teresa . . . . . . "

How do you circumcise a whale ?

Send down 4 skin divers.
If he becomes agitated during the procedure, just draw back.

A Bear walked into a bar and said to the barman:
'A pint of lager and. . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . a packet of crisps please.'

Barman: 'Certainly sir, but why the big paws ?'

Chinese man found dead, under a rock in the sea. No big deal, just another crustacean.

A sprout leader lost his job -
he wouldn't leave the chick peas alone.