Crap Joke fred.

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Sun Jul 02, 2017 10:51 pm

A flooring shop near us routinely scrawl crap jokes on their shop window as an unusual marketing ploy..some are bad enough to be worthy of being repeated- here's one:

' I took my car in for a service yesterday and, being blonde, was worried that the garage would try and rip me off.
Luckily, I was told that I just needed some new indicator fliud.'

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Sun Jul 09, 2017 2:27 pm

kfc/2..
Came home drunk late last night and found she'd changed the locks.She refused to let me in despite all the shouting, banging and things thrown at the windows, so I just gave up.
On the way round to my Mum's I noticed the bitch had craftilly changed the road name as well.

Vengeful Glutton · Post by **Vengeful Glutton** » Tue Jul 11, 2017 11:08 pm

Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland!

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Sun Jul 16, 2017 2:22 pm

Patient: 'I have something looking like a large strawberry growing out the top of my head..'

Doctor: 'I've got some cream you could put on it..'

Buggaluggs · Post by **Buggaluggs** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 3:48 pm

Hydrogen atom: I've lost my electron

Bartender: Are you sure?

Hydrogen atom: Yes. I'm positive.

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:08 pm

Barmaid to bald customer: 'What's with all those rabbits you've just had tattoo'd on your bonce ?'

Customer: 'I reckon that, from a distance, they'll look like hares..'

SerjeantWildgoose · Post by **SerjeantWildgoose** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:54 am

What have a giraffe and an elephant got in common?

They've both got an extremely long neck; except the elephant.

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:23 am

What has four letters, sometimes has nine and never has five.

bruce · Post by **bruce** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:30 am

Yes they do.

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:06 pm

Saw it on Facebook this morning and wished I hadn't

SerjeantWildgoose · Post by **SerjeantWildgoose** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 2:40 pm

Diner - Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?
Waiter - I don't know. We've never measured it.

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:31 pm

Looks like you're in your element with this thread, Sarge

SerjeantWildgoose · Post by **SerjeantWildgoose** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:20 pm

rowan wrote:Looks like you're in your element with this thread, Sarge

Indeed. Crap jokes are to me what pictures of girls with big tits and crap political satire are to others

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Tue Jul 18, 2017 4:24 pm

We should just combine the two threads

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:12 pm

Man walks into a Dental Surgery -
Receptionist: 'Good afternoon, how can I help ?'
Man: 'I keep thinking I'm a moth.'
Receptionist: 'Sorry Sir, but the Doctors' Surgery is next door..'
Man: I know, I just came in when I saw the light was on..'

Vengeful Glutton · Post by **Vengeful Glutton** » Wed Jul 19, 2017 10:33 pm

3 pieces of string go into a bar and shout three pints of stout. The barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here", so they all leave. Outside, one of the pieces of string says to his friends "Fck that, I'm going to go ask again". So he goes back in, "Three pints of stout please!". But the barman belligerently responds "I already told you that we do not serve pieces of string in this pub!". The piece of string leaves and tells his friends. So, one of the strings says "Hey, I have an idea!" He then frays himself and ties himself in a knot, goes back in and asks for three pints. The barman says, "You're that string that came in a few minutes ago, aren't you?"

"No I'm afraid not!"

SerjeantWildgoose · Post by **SerjeantWildgoose** » Thu Jul 20, 2017 5:29 am

Vengeful Glutton wrote:3 pieces of string go into a bar and shout three pints of stout. The barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here", so they all leave. Outside, one of the pieces of string says to his friends "Fck that, I'm going to go ask again". So he goes back in, "Three pints of stout please!". But the barman belligerently responds "I already told you that we do not serve pieces of string in this pub!". The piece of string leaves and tells his friends. So, one of the strings says "Hey, I have an idea!" He then frays himself and ties himself in a knot, goes back in and asks for three pints. The barman says, "You're that string that came in a few minutes ago, aren't you?"

"No I'm afraid not!"

There's always some gimp ruins it by laughing at his own crap joke!

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Thu Jul 20, 2017 8:56 pm

Patient: 'Whenever I wake up I appear to be surrounded by pink elephants, floating all around me, they seem to be everywhere..'
Nurse: 'Have you seen a Doctor yet ?'
Patient: 'No, just elephants..'

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:38 pm

What's the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of babies?

You can't unload a truck load of sand with a pitch fork.

canta_brian · Post by **canta_brian** » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:41 pm

Interviewer: Roger, what's the best thing about being Swiss?

Roger Federer: Well the flag's a big plus.

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:09 am

What do you call 15 guys sitting around the TV watching the Super Rugby play-offs?

The Auckland Blues.

Discreet Hooker · Post by **Discreet Hooker** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:22 am

AC / DC ~ are they still current . ?

Galfon · Post by **Galfon** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:42 pm

A well known rugby commentator walked ino a bar carrying a pig under his arm.
The stunned barman asked 'Where the hell did you get that from?'
'I won him in a raffle...', replied the pig.

rowan · Post by **rowan** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 1:56 pm

Wait, some of these jokes are actually funny

SerjeantWildgoose · Post by **SerjeantWildgoose** » Fri Jul 21, 2017 4:02 pm

How in the name of Holy F*ck would you know!?!?

RugbyRebels

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