RugbyRebels

My friend told me she saw Damon Albarn speeding past her on the M25 the other night in a flashy car.
I asked if she could see anyone else famous with him, but she said it was just a blur.

A pony walked into a pharmacy and asked for a bottle of the strongest cough mixture.
'Is this for you sir?' enquired the
girl at the counter.
'Yes, i'm a little horse..'

'Doctor I feel like a pair of Curtains'

'Pull yourself together'.

A dyslexic poster was surprised not to find any jokes about freshwater fish on this thread.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch.
One said 'Can you smell fish ?'

Why is there no asprin in the jungle?

Cos the parrots-eat-em-all.

a good run of bad stuff ....here's a few more:

Patient: I can't stop singing 'Delilah..'
Doctor: 'You've got Tom Jones Syndrome'
Patient: 'Is that common ?'
Doctor: 'It's not unusual...'

What do you call two rows of vegetables ?
A dual cabbage-way.

A man sat with his wife and her mother having a picnic near some rocks when they disturbed a rattlesnake. It struck out at the mother and bit her on the bum.
They were too far from any medical facility so he phoned the emergency helpline.
'You need to act fast' was the advice, 'get a knife and cut a 'X' where the bite is, then suck hard to draw out the poison and spit it out.Do this for 5 minutes..'
'What did they say ?' asked her mother, frantically when he had finished the call.
'Bad news..' he replied 'I'm afraid you're going to die...'

Worrying about a broken pencil is pointless.

Liam Gallagher was spotted coming out of a restaurant the other day.
When asked what his favourite part of the meal was, he replied
'the soup...you got a roll with it'

Doctor: 'You should try and stop masturbating for a while if you can.'
Patient: 'Why is that Doctor?'
Doctor: 'I'm struggling to complete this examination'.

Ed Byrne: "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house.."

I was walking through the graveyard the other day when I saw a man squatting down behind a gravestone.
"Morning" I said.
"No, having a shit"

Patient: 'I have carpet burns on my knees - I think it may be due to my nightly lovemaking on the living room floor.I like doing it doggy-style.'
Doctor: 'Try doing it on a bed for a few weeks, and stick to the missionary position if possible.'
Patient: 'Will do Doctor, though I don't think the Alsatian will be too happy.'

An ice-cream seller was found dead covered in raspberry sauce and hundreds-and-thousands.
Police believe he had topped himself.

How did the Shellfish get to hospital ?
In a Clambulance.

Mister Frog's car broke down on the motorway.
It got toad away.

Popeye knew what it was like on the moon -
He'd been to sea.

Why did popeye punch Jesus?

Because he went to mount olive

A concerned Mr. Elf asked his daughter where she had been all night when she staggered home at six in the morning with suspicious looking residue around her face.
'I got invited to a goblin party'..
she replied.

Arthur 'Mad Artie' McArthur was released from prison and went straight to the local supermarket to get a scratchcard.He had no money on him so he robbed 3 little old ladies of their change so he could buy the card, throttling them in the process.
He was soon arrested and the
the local paper reported:
'Artie Chokes 3 for a Pound at Asda.'

A lunatic goes into a launderette, shags all the women and runs away.

News headline.

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

What do you get if you divide a pumpkin's circumferance by it's diameter ?
Pumpkin Pi.

Doctor: 'Why are you only wearing cling-film underpants, today ?'
Patient: 'Don't know, maybe I need to see a Psychiatrist..'
Doctor: 'Well I can clearly see your nuts..'

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was excellent.