RugbyRebels

My neighbour's been working on the railways now for about ten years.
He said he always wanted to be a librarian but when he was eighteen his Dad told him he should make tracks.

welshsaint wrote:A lunatic goes into a launderette, shags all the women and runs away.

News headline.

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

A man wearing a long scarf wrapped about his head burst into a trial at the Old Bailey, charged about fondling the breasts of as many women as he could, then abruptly exited.

Newspaper headline :

A MUFFLED TITTER RAN ROUND THE COURTROOM

A busty young lady got carried away on a hen-night, whipped her top off and started running topless around the bar.
She was eventually thrown out after being caught by the bouncers.

Galfon wrote:A busty young lady got carried away on a hen-night, whipped her top off and started running topless around the bar.
She was eventually thrown out after being caught by the bouncers.

She's lucky she kept her knickers on, otherwise she may have been picked up by the fuzz.

canta_brian wrote:..She's lucky she kept her knickers on, otherwise she may have been picked up by the fuzz.

and she didn't fall into any road-works where she may have got her asphalt.

A man took his pet turtle to the pub on his night out and kept giving it whisky to stay calm.
At leaving time the turtle fell off the chair onto it's back and didn't move.
'Ye can't leave that lyin' there!' cried the barman.
'It's not a lion it's a feckin' turtle!' replied the man.

Man walks into the docs- 'I just can't stop taking pictures of myself next to kettles'

Doc- You have a selfie steam problem....

What time does Andy Murray go to bed ?

Tennish.

A man walks into a high street clock retailer and slams his tadger on the counter.
Shop Assistant:: 'I'm sorry Sir, this is a CLOCK shop..'
Man: 'I know, put a couple of hands on that..'

Bin-man: 'Where's yer bin?'
Chippy owner: 'We bin' Hong-Kong! '
Bin-man: 'No, where's yer wheely-bin?'
Chippy owner: 'No lyin', we weely bin' Hong-Kong!..'

Took Mrs H out yesterday .


We had tea and biscuits , she really enjoyed it .


Its the first time she's given blood .

Capt. Scott: 'In the name of God and His Majesty King George, I hereby plant this flag and declare.....Holy shit !!, is that the Norwegian flag I see fifty yards ahead of us ??'
Oates: 'It's not the end of the world, Sir..'

My wife is rubbish at parking her car, so she couldn't wait to tell me that someone had complemented her on her efforts today.They had left a nice yellow slip on her windscreen with 'Fine" written on it.

She thought she'd never see me in a car made of spaghetti, so was amazed last weekend when I drove pasta.

Harry Hill......A unicorn meets Cyclops is an accident waiting to happen.

Patient: I think I have a problem with my hearing.
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms for me ?
Patient: Well there's a fat bloke called Homer, and his wife Marge with the blue hair..

Galfon wrote:Patient: I think I have a problem with my hearing.
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms for me ?
Patient: Well there's a fat bloke called Homer, and his wife Marge with the blue hair..

Winner.

'twas lifted from thepoke's top-picks from @shitjokes..
their other picks are also worthy of some more air:
* * *
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
* * *
How does Moses make his tea? 
Hebrews it.
I’m serious that Israeli how he does it.
* * *
Just got banned from B&Q, some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking!!
Lucky I got the first punch in.
* * *
Just seen a French footballer playing on a nintendo…
It was Thierry on Wii..
* * *
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”
* * *
My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!
Roll on next year!
* * *
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.
* * *
Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics..
If it’s a success his next one will be about Kent.
* * *
Gutted the wife has left me!
She’s took the Sky Box and all my Bob Marley records too No woman no Sky
* * *
A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon..
* * *
I met a girl with 12 nipples today
Sounds fun
Dozen tit
* * *
Why can’t dyslexics tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuckline.
* * *
How to work out your twat name…
Take your first name and replace it with 'Piers.'
Now take your surname and replace it with 'Morgan.'
* * *
If you see someone doing a crossword today, lean over them and say "7 up is Lemonade.."
* * *
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon.
* * *
Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.
* * *
Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.
* * *
Patient:: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Snowman to his mate:
Can you smell carrots ?..

Premature Ejaculation Society Christmas Lunch. Dress code - come in your pants.

They say that time is a great healer.
That must be why when you go to A&E they keep you waiting for so long.

kfc/
My girlfriend isn't talking to me - yesterday she told me me I had ruined her birthday.
A bit harsh I thought.. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

A dog walks into a newsagent and asks if he could place an advert in the window.
'Certainly sir, just write the details on this card - it's a pound for every 10 words- and we'll put it up today.'
said the shopkeeper.
The dog wrote 'woof woof, woof, woof woof woof, woof, woof woof.' and handed it in.
'Thank you..I see you have written nine 'woofs' sir, you could put another one in for no extra charge if you like.?'
the shopkeeper pointed out.
'No thanks' said the dog, 'it just wouldn't make sense..'

Harry Hill/
Why do dogs always run to the door when someone knocks ?
It's hardly ever for them..

Man walks into a pub with a large Alsation dog.
Says to barman ~ " Do you or anyone here in your pub want to buy a talking dog . ?"
Barman says ~" Why do you want to sell him .?"
At this point the dog speaks ~ " Do you mind if I interject ? Not only can I speak , I know four languages , last year I swam the Channel both ways and I came first at Crufts in the obedience trials ."
Barman says ~ " Why on earth would you want to sell him . ?"
Man ~ " Its the lies , I just cant take the lies anymore ."



True story .