RugbyRebels

A Cowboy walked into a bar wearing a hat made from an old paper bag, a jacket made from waxed paper and pants made out of wrapping paper.
He was arrested for rustling.

A man walked into a bar, looking miserable and ordered a double whisky.He started moaning about his troublesome wife and how awful she was to him until the barman finally said:"'I don't understand what you're complaining about mate All the other blokes in here only say complements about her."

My wife threw a container of Omega-3 capsules at my head yesterday during an argument.
 I got a nurse to check it out and she told me it was just a super fish oil injury.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

A woolly jumper.

Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend ....

Thought it might speed him up....

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Chemist 1: Did you know they discovered a new element?
Chemist 2: No, what's it called?
Chemist 1: It's symbol is Ah.
Chemist 2: Oh... The element of surprise

A Panda strolled into a restaurant, sat down and ordered a 3-course meal with a bottle of wine.He scoffed the lot then pulled out a gun, killed the waiter and strolled out again.
"Was that a Panda ?" asked the manager.
"Must be.." said the other waiter, "Large black and white bear, eats shoots and leaves.. "

Two owls were playing a game of pool when one potted the cue ball.
'Two Hits..' shreeked the first owl.
'To Who ?' cried the other.

Banquo wrote:Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend ....

Thought it might speed him up....

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

I like this one

Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

Numbers wrote:Why did the farmer win the nobel prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

He may have got it for his Magic Tractor invention..
apparently it went down a lane and turned into a field,
( could even have been the same one..)

What's brown and sticky ?
A stick.
****
How do poo particles move around in a toilet ?
Brownian motion.
*****

A man walked into our local last night with a steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
He said 'This thing is driving me nuts ....'

Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers today?

Everybody.

A man was arrested last night  for spraying superglue over fellow drinkers at the local pub.His girlfriend said she was ashamed by his actions but they were still sticking together.

I rubbed herbs in my eyes yesterday whilst preparing dinner and now I can't see properly.
I think it has left me parsley sighted..

Welcome to the Swiss yodelling competition.

Would all contestants line up in an orderly orderly orderly manner.

My neighbour bought a car recently made out of wood: wooden doors, wooden engine and wooden seats.
It's in the garage today, wooden start apparently..

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the guy behind the counter. "I'm looking for a special pet. I don't want to buy a boring, normal pet like a cat, dog, bird or goldfish or any crap like that. It has to be special, unique and I don't mind paying extra for it" The fella behind the counter tells him "I've got just the thing for you. A talking millipede. Very rare, unique and definitely not boring. It costs a 1000 pounds but you won't be disappointed". The man is impressed and pays the thousands pounds and off he goes with the millipede in a match box.

When he gets home, he's keen to try having a chat with his talking pet. He opens the match box and says "Hello there Mr. Millipede, how about going to the pub for a few drinks?" The millipede says nothing. The man thinks that perhaps the millipede is shy or tired, or perhaps needs a little time getting used to his new surroundings, so he decides to have a cuppa and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hey Mr. Millipede, so how about a couple of pints down the local then?" The millipede again says nothing. By now, the bloke is getting a bit angry and begins to think that he has been ripped off. He decides to give the millipede another try after dinner and if he doesn't talk back by then, he'll take him back to the pet shop and get a refund.

After dinner, the man opens the match box again and says "Right Mr. Millipede, for the last fucking time. Do you want to go to the pub for a few beers?!?" The millipede says "Alright mate, calm down, I heard you the first time! I've been putting my shoes on!"

An Eskimo's car broke down so he called out the Alaskan AA. He stood in the cold and driving wind and waited for the mechanic who, on arrival, looked under the bonnet. He soon identified the problem - looking up at the Eskimo he said:
 "You've blown a seal, mate !."
The Eskimo replied, " Nah, it's just frost on my moustache."

I found a man living in my garden shed yesterday.He told me he had been there for weeks and all he had eaten was some herbs he found stored there.
He's living on borrowed thyme.

Two fish were in a tank together.
One said, 'Do you know how to drive this thing ?..'

Two eskimos were out in their canoe and decided to light a fire to get warm.The boat sunk, only going to show..you can't have your kayak and heat it.