Crap Joke fred.

[Galfon]

My wife wants a magic dog for Xmas
so I've bought her one of those labracadabradors.

[Galfon]

We tried a seasonal special from the local takeaway tonight - 'Wenceslas Pizza'.
Topped with quality Bohemian salami, made deep-pan, crisp and even.

[Galfon]

With the Xmas rush, our local dealer has made it easier to order stuff when calling his number.
His automated reply says: 'For marijuana, press Hash..'

[Galfon]

Selection box fodder:

What moves quickly through a train in a thunderstorm?
A lightning conductor.
*****
A neighbour we invited to Xmas dinner kept counting out sticks of green veg. and laying them in perfect lines..he might have that Asparagus Syndrome.
*****
This Xmas I treated my wife to a new car.She wasn't happy though,
"I wanted something that goes from
 0 to140 in only 3 seconds.." she said.
So I rushed out and bought her some bathroom scales.
*****
My friend used to be a farm vehicle enthusiast, now he's an expert on ventilation systems.
Then again, he is an ex tractor-fan.
*****
I rang my boss this morning to tell him I was running late again because my large conker tree had fallen on the car.
He said 'Not that old Chestnut..'
*****
Why do you never hear a Pterodactyl going to the toilet ?
It has a silent P.

[Galfon]

A despondent England cricket fan was wandering around the countryside outside Sydney when he saw a local grappling with a sheep.
'Are you shearing ?' he asked.

'No way, go find yer own, mate..'

[Galfon]

Headteacher: "I'm ringing you this morning from school to inform you of the problems we are having with your son. He tells lies constantly."

Parent: "Tell him he is doing an excellent job...
and by the way, we don't have a son.."

[Buggaluggs]

Did you know that sex kills hamsters?



Well, the one I fucked died.

[Galfon]

A golfer had to change his pants - he had a hole in one.

[Galfon]

What's ET short for ?

he's got ickle legs..

[Galfon]

My uncle's entering the 'world’s tightest hat' competition.
I just hope he can pull it off..

[rowan]

“What do we want?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

“When do we want them?”

“HEARING AIDS!”

[rowan]

There are some sounds that everyone loves…

Shoes on gravel
Crackling of fire
The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you
Cats purring

[Galfon]

I don’t know why, but for some reason all the cheeses in the dairy aisle have been named after porn search categories: Vintage, Natural, Hard, Semi-hard, Mature, Blue Vein, Goat.
fringe/j watts

[rowan]

I have to confess, I googled mine. Try as I might, I'm just no good at crap jokes. People always find them incredibly funny

[Puja]

I was in the curry house the other day when I heard REM had split up. I was so shocked that I fainted.

That's me in the korma.

Puja

[Puja]

Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee!
Astronaut 2: In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.

Puja

[rowan]

Re Asia Argento:

Now I understand what "me too" means.

She was helping him with his math homework. Figuring out how many times 17 goes into 37.

[Galfon]

A Roman soldier marched into a bar with some mates.
Barman: "Beers all round lads ?"
The soldier responded by sticking two fingers up at him.
Barman: "Five pints coming straight up.."

[rowan]

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. – I’m not really a mourning person.

[Galfon]

Spent 20 minutes sitting in traffic during the morning rush-hour today, then got hit by a car.

[rowan]

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.

Why was the ocean so blue?

Because the island never waved back.

[Galfon]

Man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp.
Shop owner: "Sorry we don't sell wasps"
Man: "I've just seen one in the window.."

[rowan]

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"

And the guy says, "Your light was on."

[Galfon]

Man walks into a bakery shop in Scotland:
Man: "Is that a cake in the window or a meringue ?"
Shop keeper: " You're right, it's a cake.."

[rowan]

Original moth joke:

So a moth goes into a podiatrists office. "Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?" The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease." The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?" The moth says,"Your light was on."