RugbyRebels

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot ?
A Carrot

What's blue and smells like yellow paint ?
Blue paint

Regulars at the local 'Musketeer' pub near us started a football team and joined the local league.
They've had a great start to the season with 3 wins and a draw - all 4-1 and one 4-all..

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Somebody came to my door last night and offered me eight legs of Venison for two hundred pounds.
Was that too dear ?

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Why are priests called father? because its too suspicious to call them daddy.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic.

“Dad, how do stars die?” – “Usually an overdose.”

I will always remember my grandpa’s last words: Keep the ladder steady.

I was unable to reset the password for an online account today. I entered 'beefstew', but the computer told me it wasn't stroganoff..

The difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?
A Hippo is quite heavy, a Zippo is a little lighter.

Two piles of vomit were walking together down a familiar part of town reminiscing,
One said: "See that doorway over there, that's where I was brought up..! "

why did the squirrel go swimming on his back?


to keep his nuts dry

My neighbour called his dog  'Blacksmith', because when anyone in the room farts he makes a bolt for the door.

A man went to his bank to speak to somebody about his account.
A member of staff walked over to him and  pushed him so hard that he fell over.
She said "You did ask for someone to check your balance .."
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A randy Walrus at the local zoo has been named 'Tupperware' by keepers there due to his liking for good, tight seals.

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Wife: "I give up, it's a complete waste of time. To you this is just a big game"
Husband: "I'm afraid I can't accept that  - you've not pressed the buzzer.."

Not keen on the new one pound coin. Then again I never like change. (Courtesy of the Edinburgh Festival).

Mr. Rabbit had not felt well for a while so went to his doctor who examined him then asked about his diet. Rabbit explained that he always liked a Cheese toastie at lunchtime but in recent weeks had been trying them with additional ham, tomato or mushrooms and sometimes a combination.
He returned home, devastated.
"Bad news",  he said to Mrs Rabbit, "I'm showing early signs of Mix'n ma' Toasties...."

Why does the Norwegian navy paint barcodes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scandinavian.

My wife made a typing mistake last week when trying to download a 'Calendar' app to her phone.
She got the 'Colander' app. instead and all it does is drain her battery.

A man walks into the Vets with his poorly Octopus in a bucket.
"How much to get him examined ?"
Receptionist: "Sick squid.."

A dog sat in the corner of the pub sipping his pint and doing a crossword.
Drinker: "You're so talented - you should be in the circus !"
Dog: "Do they need an electrician..?"

A lorry has shed it's load of Vic's Nasal Spray near Junction 6 on the M40.
Police are confident there will be no congestion for the next 48 hrs.

10 Christmas Crappies:

Our neighbour had to take her lad to the Doctors after eating Xmas decorations and becoming unwell.
He had tinsellitis.

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Santa's Workshop has been closed down -
Elf and Safety.

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Police have warned that the roads could be especially dangerous in the run up to Christmas with many workers choosing to go out after work and drink, before getting their wives to drive them home.

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Bruno the brown-nose reindeer... next in line following Rudolph, but not able to stop as fast.

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Bert: "Why have you sent me out the front door into the freezing cold with a shovel ?"

Doris: "I thought you were asking for a snow-job.."

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How are Father Christmas's presents measured ?
In Santametres.

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What do you call a Christmas tree that dies hard ?
Spruce Willis.

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Where do you find the most Reindeer ?
In Manchester, darling.

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Where does the Coastguard record how far the sea comes in over Christmas ?
In his Yuletide log.

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Mary: “Put the rubbish out love.”
Joseph: “I can’t ..it’s Christmas - there’s no room in the bin.”

A man walked into the chip shop with a salmon over his shoulder and asked: 'Do you sell fish cakes ?'
Girl at Counter: 'Sorry, no'.
Man: 'That's a pity - it's his birthday today'.

(jethroism)

Dave returned from his long international rugby weekend away with the lads, following the national team.He was understandably somewhat worse for wear.
'So how would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days ?' asked his missus.
'I'd be ok with that I reckon' he replied.
After not seeing her for the next two days, Dave could just make her out from the corner of his right eye by Wednesday, when the swelling had gone down a little.

The new cleaner at work took over 4 hours to hoover the office last night.
Apparently she's a Slovak.

The electric company called me the other day and said they wanted to come visit and chat about why my heating bills are so high.

I said sure, you know my door's always open.