RugbyRebels

A bloke down the pub recently lent his best mate ten grand to get much needed cosmetic surgery done.
He's now moaning he can't get the money back - he hasn't the foggiest idea what he looks like.
( kfc )

I went to the Greengrocer to get an onion for my casserole. He only had a small shrivelled looking one left on display-
"Is that all you've got ?"  I asked.
"Yes, that's shallot..." he said.
(tony b)
 

Five fi' Fringe 19, that registered on the Crapometer:

1-Did you hear about the flea that went to the moon ? ..Lunatic.
[Felix & the Scootermen]

2- In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.
[Glenn Moore]

3- My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
[Goose]

4- After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging..
[Richard Pulsford]

5- To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian..
[Mark Simmons]

Trudeau jokes are out

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"Caramba! I should've known it was Justin Trudeau!"

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My local shop keeper is being hailed a hero. He took on a robber armed only with his label gun.

Police said the man got away. But there's a price on his head.

I keep getting the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused. Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Puja

What might you get If you cross Elton John with a fish ?

a Piano Tuna.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Puja

Puja wrote:It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Puja

Very good.

A Scotsman walks into a bar...

Usually he'd be joined by an Englishamn, an Irishman and a Welshman - but they're all still in Japan

Puja

Pillaged straight from Tindall on House of Rugby, with a small change so it makes sense:

What’s the barrier stopping a Tier 2 side becoming a Tier 1 side?
Hadrian’s Wall.

Local police have warned of firm action if there are reports of any more illegal raves whilst restrictions are in place.They will not hesitate to intervene if those present are not spaced out enough.

-What type of sea-water fish has patterns of dots and dashes on it's back ?
-Morse Cod

After seeing half a country reject wearing a mask during a pandemic, I would ike to apologise to the filmakers of every horror film ever made for calling their characters unbelievably dumb for going into the murder basement.

Last night my wife said to me, "You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?"
I thought, "That's an odd way to start a conversation"

My wife has just sold the Dyson I bought her for Xmas -
she said it was just gathering dust.

Which Tyler wrote:After seeing half a country reject wearing a mask during a pandemic, I would ike to apologise to the filmakers of every horror film ever made for calling their characters unbelievably dumb for going into the murder basement.

I would like to think you're now to be found lurking in a dark cellar wearing a mask

It's International Joke day apparently

-What's green with four legs, and could kill you if it fell on you from a tree ?
- A billiard table

The Queen was reportedly seen in the grounds of Windsor Castle yesterday acknowledging cheers from the public. It was a brief appearance however, and the second wave was avoided.

My last vacation was in Egypt. I thought the pyramids were nice - up to a point.

Man:  Just spent the weekend in Poole.
Friend:  In Dorset ?
Man:  Aye, recommend it to anyone..