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Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:34 pm
by Galfon
Historians have revealed that William Shakespeare was rarely seen drinking in Inns or Ale Houses of his hometown Stratford-on-Avon, or main place of business London.
Apparently he was Bard in both places.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:55 pm
by Galfon
A young good-looking peanut had a few too many one Friday night and was taking a short-cut home through the park alone.
It was a salted.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2017 1:27 pm
by rowan
Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh station.
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.
Q: What go's peck peck Bang, peck peck Bang...?
A: A flock of chickens in a mine field!
Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man
he said sod off and get your own chips.
Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.
Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!
I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller".
She said: "Not you again".
Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2017 7:38 pm
by Galfon
rowan wrote:
Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks
..and a sheep with a kangaroo ?
..woolly jumper.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2017 7:41 pm
by Galfon
A nuisance neighbour was round for dinner yet again today.She was at the table getting stuck into her meal when she looked up and asked
'Why is the dog just sitting there staring at me ?'
I told her it was probably because she was using his bowl.
Re: RE: Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:04 am
by Donny osmond
Vengeful Glutton wrote:Jewish man and a Chinese woman get married and have a baby boy. After careful deliberation, they decide on a name that reflects both their cultures:
Cha Ching.
Japanese man and welsh lady...
Myfanwy Isitchy
Sent from my HUAWEI VNS-L31 using Tapatalk
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 1:55 pm
by richy678
rowan wrote:Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh station.
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.
Q: What go's peck peck Bang, peck peck Bang...?
A: A flock of chickens in a mine field!
Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man
he said sod off and get your own chips.
Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.
Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!
I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller".
She said: "Not you again".
Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks
That sounds suspiciously like Tim Vine script.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 2:05 pm
by rowan
richy678 wrote:rowan wrote:Q. Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A: A whale weigh station.
I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don't know what to make of it.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore.
It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a land-line.
Q: What go's peck peck Bang, peck peck Bang...?
A: A flock of chickens in a mine field!
Last night i tried sharing a bag of chips with a homeless man
he said sod off and get your own chips.
Last night I dreamed I was the author of Lord of the Rings...
I was Tolkien in my sleep.
Did you hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta away!
I rang up BT and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller".
She said: "Not you again".
Q. What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a fish?
A. Swimming trunks
That sounds suspiciously like Tim Vine script.
I have no idea who that is. But the jokes were awful enough for this thread
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 4:09 pm
by Buggaluggs
Cops picked up two kids in my local park. One was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one but decided to let the one other off.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:12 pm
by Galfon
A white horse walked into a bar and ordered a pint of lager.
Barman: 'By the way sir, did you know we sell a drink named after you ...'
Horse: 'What, you have a drink called Kevin ?'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:16 pm
by Galfon
A regional branch of the Intelligence services based in Erdington had a rugby team that played in a low junior league and were known as 'The Earwigs'.Due to the nature of their work, players names were never listed on the team sheets, just the letters 'A' - 'O' covering the usual 15 positions.
In the last league game of the season, they were just 6 points adrift against their closest rivals fighting for promotion.
In the last minute of the game the Earwigs' full-back intercepted a pass close to his own goal line, ran the length of the pitch to score a try under the sticks which he then converted to win the match, sealing promotion for the very first time.
Their loyal and vocal support went into raptures and up went the chant:.'Earwig-O, Earwig-O, Earwig-O..!!..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:21 pm
by Galfon
Patient: 'I keep thinking I 'm a pig.'
Doctor: 'How long have you been having these thoughts ?'
Patient: 'About a w-eee-eee-eee-k..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:41 pm
by Discreet Hooker
Foreman on building site interviewing Paddy for a job . . .
" Well Paddy , how many GCSE's have you got . ? "
Paddy " Sixty four . "
Foreman " 64 ? Don't be ridiculous ."
Paddy " Well you started it . "
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 5:32 pm
by SerjeantWildgoose
OI!!!! 
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 6:01 pm
by Mellsblue
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That should be on the good joke fred.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:38 pm
by Galfon
A man wearing a donkey jacket walks into a bar carrying a large piece of tarmac under his arm..
' Pint of Guinness please barman, and I'll have one for the road..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 8:01 pm
by Galfon
Two V.D. germs were just getting chatting in a railway carriage bog when someone flushed and
down they went.
One got lucky and ended up in a track-side bush, the other landed on one of the rails.He looked up to see a freight train nearly upon him.
He cried out to his friend..'I'm a gonorrhea..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 8:19 pm
by Galfon
A young woman ran into a police station..
'Help!..I've just been graped !!..'
Desk officer: ' Don't you mean 'raped'....?'
Woman: 'No, there was a bunch of them...'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2017 8:49 pm
by rowan
Mellsblue wrote:Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That should be on the good joke fred.
I think we've already established that this thread is actually funnier than the good joke (funny images) thread...
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:41 am
by Galfon
Man: 'My dog has no nose.'
Friend: 'How does he smell ?'
Man: 'Couldn't tell you, I have a cold.'.
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:43 am
by Galfon
A drunk walked into a bar and asked for 10 whiskys to be served quickly, and as fast as the barman lined them up, he was necking them.
'You're in a bit of a hurry are you not?' observed the barman.
Drunk:'Aye, and you would be too if you had what I've got...'
Barman:'What's that then ?'
Drunk: 'Two quid..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:26 am
by Discreet Hooker
Three guys drinking in a bar , a Pakistani , a Millwall fan and a rastifarian . Not much wrong with that , it shows close harmony and a hope for racial integration .
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:09 pm
by Galfon
A Pork Pie walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager.
Barman: ' Can't you read ?..we don't serve food here.'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:12 pm
by Galfon
A piece of string, a drunk, a horse and a pork pie walk into a bar together.
Barman: 'Is this someone's idea of a joke ?..'
Re: Crap Joke fred.
Posted: Sun Jul 30, 2017 8:26 pm
by Discreet Hooker
Man walks into busy pub , shouts to the Landlord , " I'd like to buy a drink for everybody here. " All rush to the bar and refill their glasses . The Landlord then says " That'll be £74 please ." " Oh I don't have any money ." the man says . The landlord then walks around the bar, sets about him by punching and kicking him . He carries him outside and kicks him down the pub steps onto the street . Just ten days later the same man returns to the busy pub . His head is bandaged , his arm is in a sling and he has a cast on his leg . He approaches the landlord and says " I'd like to buy a drink for everyone here , but not for you , you get nasty when you 've had a drink . "