Rugby Positions Made Simple

[rowan]

"A Guide to Rugby Positions and Terminology

Rugby Positions

Front Row: Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy, beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren`t even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them. Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."

Locks: Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near this group`s maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent`s body and will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously, they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are usually just dumb.

Back Row: These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything to win the ball and there are others within this group that will break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.

Scrum Half: Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable - kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half`s presence is tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.

Fly Half: His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to throw the ball over people`s heads and to provide something soft for opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.

Centers: Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies. The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.

Back 3: While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback, I swear to God I can`t make out any difference between them. They are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play 90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a saying too: it`s "You`re a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater wearin`, wine sippin`, sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don`t mind this group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at."

[rowan]

"10 types of player you played second or third team rugby with

1. The Phantom - Arrives and kits up thirty seconds before kick-off, plays the full 80 and POOF! just like that he's dressed and home within 30 seconds of the final whistle. The only thing he has said while not on the field is "alright?" when he walked in and "see ya, lads" as he ghosted out. Often plays full back.

2. Almost first team - On the fringes of the firsts and is a heady mix of pissed off at being here and fanatically determined to make the step up. Significantly fitter than everyone else and both shows and demands more than anyone else is willing to give after roughly 12 minutes of play. Non-training prop will tell him to shut it at some point.

3. Non-training prop - Been at the club 11 years and has never trained once, but he's a prop so is always guaranteed to play. In fact, he has to play even if he doesn't want to, such is the life of the non-training prop.

4. Not big enough flanker - All the ability in the world, beautiful breakdown body position, tenacious tackler but unfortunately weighs ten stone. Gets cleared out so hard by the opposition's non-training prop at second ruck that his body looks like a broken bike chain.

5. "Such a shame" - His performances on bygone youth tours are talked of in hushed and reverent tones by misty eyed men in the clubhouse and changing room, but (select one): he liked a drink a bit too much/didn't like to train/got a girl pregnant and that was that/lazy twat/never been the same since the knee went/attitude problem. Whichever you choose, it's always, "Such a shame". Will do a mesmerising, shimmying, almost balletic in its grace kick return before being tap tackled then either spewing up on the touchline or wandering slowly back with all the vim of a schoolboy on a museum trip.

6. Blooded youth teamer - 17 years old, putting his toe in the senior rugby water with his debut here. Ribbed mercilessly by the non-training prop about shaving, spots, being a virgin. Will be made to do a top-shelfer drink later and will end up in tears at some point.

7. Clubman Of The Year - Trains religiously every week, commitment of a jack russell digging for a bone, paints the stands, mows the pitches, full of energy and positivity even when you are 27 points behind, it's pissing it down and you've not been out of your own 22 for the entire half. You want to murder him.

8. The puncher - You know it's coming, he knows it's coming, the opposition know it's coming, the question is simply when will he unleash that right-hander in full view of the ref?

9. The Flake - "Was that Johnny on the text? What's his excuse this time? What? His hamster's eaten his gumshield?! Fuck's sake! Every bloody week! Paul, you're going to have to play second row. Well don't bloody moan at me, take it up with that flakey tosser, Johnny."

10. The vet's veteran - When you are 35 you qualify for the vets, many do a few years there and turn it in. Then there's the this man. He's still playing at 47, has had the same shorts since 1987, played in every single position on the field since he made his club debut sometime back in 1974 and simply will not pack it in."

[Sandydragon]

I remember playing with a definite number 10, who lied to his wife that he had retired and borrowed kit and towel every match. Got a black eye after one match and told her that his mate had lamped him in the pub.

[Mellsblue]

Is this the first draft of Stuart Lancaster's new book 'In an depth look at everything I've learned as a rugby coach.'

No, I'm not over it.

[kk67]

We did this a few years ago and the thread got lost when we changed server.
Since then I've dropped progressively from no.7 to no.10. I'll be 50 in April but I'm a youngster in comparison to the London legends of Nick, Abdul and Trev the Rev.
They're all frontrow,....I'm glad I took the whistle when I still had the common sense.

[rowan]

I progressed from the wing in my early 20s to the back row in my mid 20s, then gave up rugby and played American football instead - mostly at linebacker, which is kind of like a flanker except you don't often get to prance foolishly with the ball...

[rowan]

Wow This is quite a revelation . . .

RUGBY Union chiefs have been forced to admit the sport is a bloodletting free-for-all that may need some rules.

For decades, rugby fans have maintained the pretence that there is some order to events on the field, but the sport’s governing body has finally admitted it has no idea what is going on.

A World Rugby spokesman said: “Of course there are things players can’t do, like passing the ball forward or decapitating an opponent. Actually, decapitation may be okay, but they definitely can’t throw the ball forward.”

He added: “The referee is basically just there to pick up the players’ teeth and return them after the game.”

Wales captain Alun Wyn Jones said: “I’ve been playing rugby since the age of four and I’ve never once had any clue where the ball is.

“I just roam around in a pack of other massive men and punch anyone wearing a different coloured shirt.”

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/spo ... 0222122580

[Mellsblue]

I've played in a few games for which that would be a pretty accurate description.
The Wales heartlands, particularly Llandovery College, as a school boy, and South Yorks and North Notts during my days of 80 min warmups prior to a drinking session.